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March 31, 2004
a whole new world revealed
east coast feed of the OC...working until 7 is now voluntary. so great.
posted by jessica at 06:21 PM | Comments (0)
notes from the cubicle
i'm quite fortunate, actually, in that i don't have to work in a wretched cube, but i'm a drone nevertheless, thus making my current situation quite lovely: both executives surrounding my humble desk have gone home sick. my assistantly cohort and i are thus left with only one remaining executive to serve between the two of us, and this remaining exec is a situated conveniently away from us. pilots have slowed to a near standstill and, as such, our presence is all but irrevelant for the next 3.5 hours.
so what to do with such unbridled freedom? i despise every menial task i'm given, yet the absence of such drudgery has left me in a perpetual state of afternoon-napping. the crossword's been done and there are only a few people to banter with over IM. the phones aren't ringing and i'm too lethargic to go track down some tapes to view. there are little things that could use filing or stapling, but now that i know i'm leaving this world in a few months anyhow, i can't motivate myself to lift a finger.
under normal circumstances, i would probably take this opportunity to blog about something timely or deserving of more than my usual attention-defecit-disorderly focus, but look what i come up with: a three-paragraph mumble about how i'm bored. how utterly original. sorry, folks.
posted by jessica at 03:15 PM | Comments (11)
don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got. really, don't be fooled.
from the SPARE ME dept: jennifer lopez is going to "reinvent" herself as someone a bit more down-to-earth, according to reports. how ever will she fight her diva image? by selling her LA home, natch, and setting up primary residence in miami. because, you know, miami is so totally calm and humbling. if j. lo wants to lose the nasty rep, maybe she should shut down a target, as opposed to versace on rodeo, for her private shopping escapades.
madge decides to use her reinvention tour as an opportunity to dish some anti-war props: "Madonna and her dancers have been training with rifles, military style, and will 'reenact battle scenes in a way that is meant to underscore the tragedy of war.'" speaking of her upcoming tour, i signed up for info on the platinum package tickets--a mere $700 gets you a good seat, a nice entrance, and a poster. before you get outraged by the arrogrance of this cost, i want to remind you that she's going to have fake rifles, people, rifles! underscoring tragedy! $700! it makes sense! really, c'mon, it does!
have i mentioned how much i love al franken? the liberal radio network, air america, launches today on 5 stations across our amber waves of grain or whatever. franken's show, which will no doubt be the best thing ever, is called the o'franken factor. i bet he'll never tell a guest to "shut up." and if he does, it'll be funny. [via gothamist]
posted by jessica at 11:10 AM | Comments (2)
March 30, 2004
i like having my intelligence insulted by network television, okay?
goddammit, people, when are you going to stop over-analyzing my freaking reality tv? i will usually admire and embrace an intellectual approach, don't get me wrong--but for chrissakes, can a reasonably intelligent person merely enjoy some admittedly stupid television without having the nagging voice of a someone determined to make a deeper point? fine, i sound like an idiot for even complaining about this, i know. but really, i just want to dumb myself down a bit without interference. is that so wrong?
jay leno's new deal gets him almost as much benjamins as letterman. unfortunately, this will encourage leno to continue on the same painfully un-funny path upon which he has been meandering for far too long.
posted by jessica at 11:34 AM | Comments (4)
going down. way down.
hyperbolic reactions are tempting, especially in regards to things that are impossibly banal. when i really want to make a point, i try to avoid extreme manners of expression. today, however, i have to indulge my inner hyberbole-lovin' critic and declare that "call me: the rise and fall of heidi fleiss" was perhaps the worst two hours of television i have ever been subjected to in my 20-something years. unfuckingbelievable. it was so bad, i couldn't look away. how can you take a fabulously tawdry true-life tale and make it so incredibly flat? newsflash: jamie lynn discalia can't act. even if the make-up people giver her red coked-out nostrils and pasty lips, she still can't act.
posted by jessica at 09:36 AM | Comments (0)
watch out, nyc
the results are in: i'm heading east.
posted by jessica at 07:50 AM | Comments (12)
March 29, 2004
i harass celebrities, so you don't have to.
on saturday night, i had the extreme experience of going to a spanking new club called xes (pronounced "excess" and sex spelled backwards--get it? oooh). after being mysteriously invited by some friends, i conducted 30 seconds of research, which pulled up no information on the joint except that saturday night was xes' bolthouse party--brent bolthouse being the LA's uber-promoter for those exclusive celeb-packed parties you read about in US Weekly. not my scene, but i was feeling adventurous so i threw on some stilettos and went for the hell of it. a rundown:
9:45 - perhaps the earliest i've ever been out on a saturday night. we arrive at the club, pay $15 to park, and face a line of easily 100 people, all of whom are pretty. many signs are displayed forbidding cameras in the club. i feel special already.
9:55 - we're being ushered inside ("we have four girls" seemed to do the trick with the gatekeepers) and are promptly asked to pay $15 cover. the boys paid $25.
10:00 - the club is empty, so we go to the bathroom and play with all the free stuff. the perfume tray is exceptionally stocked with gucci and marc jacobs.
10:08 - we go to the back bar, where samantha ronson is smoking and about to start a set.
10:12 - I fork over $11 for a gin and tonic. wallet depletion begins.
10:30 - the club is magically packed. i can barely move.
11:15 - we spot felix da housecat. i start talking to him about god knows what. he's very nice and introduces me to a girl band whose video was shot earlier that day. i will continue to hang on felix intermittently for the rest of the night.
11:20 - someone knows someone at a table with bottle service, so we hang out there to evoke some sort of "high roller" je ne sais quoi to the crowd.
11:45 - jessica simpson and nick lachey come in. they sit at the booth near us. she's gorgeous, he's short, and they've got an entourage.
12:30 - i notice that there's a guy with a large video camera taping all over the booth area we're in. in an attempt to be an asshole, i march up to him and say something smarmy about the "no camera" policy in the club. he gestures to nick lachey, who is now standing next to me.
me: c'mon, nick, why do you have to have the cameras here? that's kind of lame...
nick: it's my job, y'know.
me: your job sucks.
nick: it's a living.
me: your living sucks.
12:34 - i realize the cameraman has been taping me slurring at nick, so i cover my face with a purse and run away.
2:15 - i've lost my phone and spent all my money. time to go home.
the aftermath: a man answers my phone on sunday morning and demands, "cincuenta dolares" for the return of my phone, provided i meet him, "a las cinco, no preguntas!" i promptly bought a new phone.
posted by jessica at 09:49 AM | Comments (8)
March 26, 2004
small people with big dreams
i once stood next to jermaine dupri in the lunch line. i can confidently say he is a wee, wee man--my height, at most. nevertheless, he's got grand plans for his nipplish lovah: he's confided to creepy ryan seacrest that he intends to marry miss jackson. maybe the third time's a charm for janet, but i would imagine that divulging said info to seacrest will hex the relationship, a curse like no other. i'm positive that seacrest embodies some sort of demonic charm that allows him to be successful despite the fact that everyone hates him.
making cameos is sooo paris hilton, but david beckham is still in talks to appear in the pink panther movie as a soccer player. how effing creative.
virginia heffernan gets intellectual on top model--how dare she! i love watching pretty lunatics cry while trying to be prettier, and i don't care if it's part of a larger picture or message, dammit. besides, launching a pseudo-feminist critique on a pithy modeling competition is not too challenging nor particularly original. i mean, really.
posted by jessica at 12:27 PM | Comments (1)
March 25, 2004
we're more than horses
rather tired today. would like to see the unicorns tonight but won't, for fear of becoming a "music blogger." actually, no, that's not it. i'm just too tired and it looks as if i will be having a late night in the office, to boot. fabulous. maybe i'll go see them tomorrow night. i'd rather go get sushi and go to bed early, though. i'm gearing up for a lame weekend, one which i intend to enjoy in its laziest extents. it's only thursday, i don't know why i'm even thinking about the weekend...it's still so very, very far.
on a related note, i was looking for the unicorns' website so i could link in the aforementioned paragraph, and i think i found what all the D&D kids from elementary school are up to now. here's a sampling of the dark underbelly of the interweb:
posted by jessica at 02:16 PM | Comments (6)
another night, another show
last night i went with kerry sosaysi and a venerable posse of others to check out the cooper temple clause at the troubadour. it was their first LA gig, so you'd think maybe they'd have interacted with the audience a bit, but the band seemed extremely distant. nevertheless, they're undeniably talented musicians--constantly switching instruments and seamlessly incorporating more complex electronic elements. their live show, by the way, is about 100x more rough and intense than their album, to the point of limp bizkit-esque screaming and thrashing. it was definitely unexpected and perhaps a little much. i admired the band's intensity and energy but, combined with their detachedness, it all ultimately had me feeling as if i were witness to a spectacle. on the other hand, nme declares the band triumphed at the troub, so take both of our accounts with a grain of salt. either way, you can't deny that the boys rocked their arses off.
posted by jessica at 09:51 AM | Comments (1)
March 24, 2004
drumroll please!
ladies and gentleman, i present to you the winner of america's next top model AND recent finalist in the maria shriver lookalike competition, ms. yoanna house! yes, folks, it looks like she really took those "fat midriff" comments in milan straight to heart, and has thus eliminated all of her body fat, leaving her with nothing but the classic jagged breastplate. now that's what i call dedication to her craft--a true inspiration to us all. let's give her a hand and a bowl of iceberg lettuce! she deserves it!
posted by jessica at 05:43 PM | Comments (2)
playing the jew card is the new black and, even as a halfsy, we couldn't be happier about it
You just caníŸÙt play the Jewish card with other Jews. When the topic of Israel comes up, or the state of the world todayíŸÓor a cultural event like The Passion of the ChristíŸÓother Jews just agree with me, 100 percent. Yes! Of course, itíŸÙs still hard to be Jewish. There is still so much hatred! No disagreement there. With non-Jews, itíŸÙs a much more interesting story. We talk about anti-Semitism nowadays or Israel, and they roll their eyes...But then I say something like: "You just doníŸÙt understand." And they are putty in my hands. I become their little Anne Frank. Their Jewish girl on the verge of extinction. And only they can protect me.
(link graciously borrowed from the anonymous outsider)
on a related note, jewtopia has been running for-ev-er. my cousins, rochelle and sandy, are big fans.
posted by jessica at 04:01 PM | Comments (0)
sexual ushering
is there any better way for a hip-hop/r&b/whatever star to up their career than to admit being a sex addict? usher doesn't think so: he's not a freak, he claims, but he does need to bed a different lady every night. totally understandable--don't we all?
britney on broadway? god help us all. brit's been hankering for the role of eliza doolittle in my fair lady. i'm sure once henry higgins checks into the onyx hotel, he won't be working on dialect, yo.
zombies don't only defeat jesus, they also run really, really fast. which is an interesting trend, isn't it? remember when zombies just staggered about? in the thriller video, they barely moved. but the infected "zombies" in 28 days later were about 500x more frightening because of their speed...and their bloody vomit, of course. bloody vomit is always frightening.
posted by jessica at 03:07 PM | Comments (2)
adventures in non-hipster concerts
last night i went to a show that i had no interest in seeing. it never would have crossed my mind to see powderfinger, but my close friend is an avid fan and needed company. live music is live music, and i'm a good friend, so there i was last night, at the infamous roxy. (admittedly, the roxy is reason in and of itself to go, simply because i had never been--still haven't been to the viper room nor the whiskey, i'm ashamed to admit). 
so, yeah, i went to powderfinger last night. i discovered that they were relatively successful (not so much here) in 99-02 era, sound like coldplay mixed with jet, are australian, and are led by a singer who looks exactly like val kilmer as jim morrison. frankly, while i found their music somewhat generic, they played with a level of energy that matched that of their surprising number of fans--a group which, i couldn't help but notice, was really eclectic, from the shaggy-haired eastside crew to the international student body at USC. it was interesting and, dare i say, entertaining. i don't think i'd buy their cd, but i'm wondering why i've never heard of them before.
posted by jessica at 10:47 AM | Comments (1)
March 23, 2004
what drug problem?
sprinkling ganj on lasagna isn't that much different that sprinkling on some oregano--even if the person doing it is only five years old. and just because a four year-old kid brings $10,000 worth of crack cocaine to school doesn't mean they come from a bad home; it just means that they've got a great dealer and an eye on their education.
posted by jessica at 11:30 AM | Comments (2)
but what about the man behind the nip?
once you've been photographed suckling courtney love's nipples, you can only move forward in life. surely your gameplan is clear: once you've announced that you're the fellow in said nsfw photograph and made it clear that you're not homeless (although it would certainly be a better photo if you were indeed without shelter), be like celebrity nipple-eater kofi asare and pursue a career in acting and modeling! of course!
sober and healthy? eff that! getting your drink on is not only fabulously fun and required in my presence, but new research suggests it's even better for you beyond the simple heart-healthy glass of merlot. save yourselves with a pint before it's too late!
i don't know about you, but the kajagoogoo episode of bands reunited moved me to tears. justifiably, it's not amongst the guardian's top 10 worst rock reunions. but the alarm, however, is. 'cause, you know, the alarm's reunion really was terrible. (whaa?)
finally, for your reading pleasure, slate gets inside the filming of girls gone wild. and, for the record, they only call me crazy debbie in miami. in cancun, i'm caliente darla.
Crazy Debbie is a 19-year-old personal trainer by day. She wears body glitter, white stilettos that lace up to her knees, and a rhinestone Playboy bunny ring. "I did a scene for them last night," she says proudly, which is to say she masturbated for the GGW cameras in the back of a bar.
posted by jessica at 10:02 AM | Comments (1)
March 22, 2004
californiaaaaaahhh
the new york times hearts the OC so much that i'm starting to get jealous. last week it was a stunning one-on-one with benjamin mckenzie, aka ryan atwood, in our hearts aka chino. this week, the times treats us to a luverly sit-down with josh schwartz, the brilliant mastermind behind the soapy world we call home. mad genius? wunderkind? lover of adam brody? all equal possibilities. and thank GOD the show returns this week, because i've never felt so empty as i have without my wednesday night newport beach goodies.
guilty pleasure as of late: reading the monday morning epistolary wrap-ups of the prior evening's episode of the sopranos, as written by two mob experts.
i don't know what the hell i've been thinking, but i just saw wet hot american summer for the first time yesterday--not only is it absurdly funny, but it's totally written by michael showalter and david wain, and the flick is cast with their fellow mates from the state. this made me insanely happy, of course, because i've been a hardcore state fan for-ev-er. for those of you not so blessed as to experience the mtv show, the state was a weirdly funny and totally the best sketch comedy show ever (we were so into it, a friend and i did our final project on the show for AP English. don't ask). some of the ex-state crew is cavorting on reno 911, or in stella, a comedy group formed by michael ian black, michael showalter, and david wain. funniest shit ever, natch.
posted by jessica at 12:48 PM | Comments (6)
the rip that wakes me
it's official: the scottish have conquered los angeles. franz ferdinand completely killed it on friday night. not a second of shakiness or a rough patch, just total, professional rockstars from start to finish. i was moved to tears. at one quiet point between songs, i screamed, "move to los angeles!" and paul said, "i can't drive." whatever, i'm in love. after the show, i said that i said something about it being a sold-out show, and bob said, "you think we're sell-outs? we're not sell-outs..." and remember how i said that i often have trouble seeing the stage at these things? the newest obstacle was a 6'8" behemoth.
posted by jessica at 12:13 AM | Comments (4)
March 19, 2004
he bends spoons, people! spoons!
a blog's brevity may indeed be the soul of its wit, as demonstrated here.
posted by jessica at 03:05 PM | Comments (2)
24 hour news is v.v. funny
did anyone catch the daily show last night? i was dying when they ran fox news footage involving a hilarious use of split-screen tv reporting: while on one half of the screen, cheney is praising our successes in iraq, fiery footage of the baghdad hotel bombing is being broadcast on the other half. simultaneous and unintentionally funny (not that bombings are funny, but you know what i mean). jon stewart makes ironic violence hilarious. thank gawd he's signed to the show through 2008. best. i also caught a little blurb about kerry being the only democratic candidate to have zero contact with the daily show--what's the deal with that? as an elusive young adult, i might appreciate it if kerry acknowledged the most important news source...ever.
i got the new muse album yesterday and it pretty much kicked my ass. it's that good. also, the fine folks at coup de grace via coolfer sent a copy of automato, another dfa jawn, which has me driving slow and nodding my head like an indie OG.
your daily dose of the amazing courtney love, comedianne rock star extraordinaire, from last night's show at the bowery:
According to fans at the gig, Love came out before the show and said "If any of you are planning on getting injured, please go outside and get yourself arrested now."
After the first song, she added: "I'm losing my voice. Jail does that to you."
Fans say that the singer complained about her voice, and at one point gestured to a roadie and said: "I want that thing I kill people with. A mic stand."
tonight is franz ferdinand's sold-out gig at the troubadour, which will no doubt "rock," as the kids say. the one thing with these shows is that i'm short--brutally short, 5'1" and 3/4" short. and unless i get right up front or waaay in the no-fun back, i have a rough time seeing the stage. but i can't get up front, because i never get there early enough, and the back just lacks the energy. i'm always let down. if you're tall and you're going to this show, i am begging you to just step two inches to the left or right so i can see around you. think of it as an act of charity for the wee people.
posted by jessica at 11:20 AM | Comments (3)
we luv liev 4-eva!!!
someone, for whatever reason, is madly and sadly in love with liev schreiber (so very, very random). first, she recounted her chance encounter to gawker stalker: she, being an obsessive girl, spots liev at a party, walks up to say hello, and ends up standing at his elbow for 5 minutes, during which she is completely ignored. later, obsessive girl attempts to slit wrists with a butter knife. the poor soul, clearly still dripping misery and self-loathing over her rejection from liev schreiber, has now taken the time to write to contact "dear prudence," slate's advice column, regarding the proper etiquette for stalking D-list celebrities. her story is still the same, but now she asks, "am I the jerk for trying to introduce myself?"
the blueprint doesn't know if you're a jerk, sweetie, but with your luck and penchant for spreading your sad sap story, you might want to stick to stalking someone a bit more attainable.
posted by jessica at 10:10 AM | Comments (0)
March 18, 2004
america the beautiful
william hung might get his teeth fixed courtesy of extreme makeover. [bottom of page]
the guardian interviews pink and discovers what we already knew: she says "like" a lot and chain-smokes newports.
finally, catherine zeta jones learns that she can't sue her way out of a situation. courts have ruled that a local businessman can indeed operate his business in the same airzone as her new house in wales.
i'm inexplicably lethargic today. i don't feel like lifting a finger and thus haven't done so all day. i did, however, mail my taxes. gawd, my life is lame right now. tomorrow night i'm seeing franz ferdinand at the troubadour, like any good hipster/blogger would. that should be the hotness.
posted by jessica at 04:47 PM | Comments (0)
short but spirited
st. patrick's day in LA: coronas, burritos, and staring at the idiots with multiple shamrock stickers on their face. whoopdedoo. didn't even really drink--the 9-to-5 just sucks the spirit outta me.
bruce willis' b'day might've been perhaps the weirdest guest list ever.
memo to struggling actresses crowding my hallway: be in a video game. i hear casting agents love playing video games to look for new talent.
LA Weekly has the hipster's guide to the new wave of prog rock (walkmen? hmm).
small children, beware. paula poundstone is back, and she ain't taking no fashion tips.
posted by jessica at 11:35 AM | Comments (1)
March 17, 2004
fag hagging
slate is so six months ago with their article about the future of fashion sans tom ford. nevertheless, a good browse for the the fashionistas. what i want to know: why is tom ford gay? my god, he's practically perfect. so gay, yet so masculine. has any one man looked so dashing with a receding hairline? behold:
if he'd pay me in clothes, i'd be his penelope cruz.
posted by jessica at 02:26 PM | Comments (3)
hold on to your pants
okay, i have got to buy a muthaeffing tivo already. morrissey is slated to appear on craig kilborn for an entire week beginning may 24! i would so totally go and demand my free tickets now now now, but i'm not 100% positive i'll still be an angeleno by then (things are a-brewing in jessville, tba). [information shamelessly ganked from the real janelle, who i'm totally digging on daily, and you should too.]
if you haven't yet seen arrested development because you're busy spending sunday nights with larry david, now's your chance. fox will air thebestcomedyonnetworktelevision tonight at 9:30, apres american iduhhhl. watch this show and thank me tomorrow. it's the current saving grace of the industry, i swear.
from the sketchy and suspicious department: lisa marie presley may appear in front of a grand jury to give evidence on jacko. interest on lisa mp is no doubt raised given her comments in a recent interview:
The move comes after Elvis's daughter said in an interview that she saw "things going on that I couldn't do anything about" during her marriage to Jackson.
She refused to elaborate on what she saw, but said she felt "powerless in a lot of ways" when they were man and wife between 1994 and 1996.
hmm, i wonder what this means. what might she have seen? perhaps she felt powerless over the maintenance of his ferris wheel, or maybe she witnessed some sort of fight amongst his llamas. you insanely stupid woman, how can you NOT "do anything about" your disgusting husband's penchant for little boys?! just lock him up, please, even if it's for a lesser charge of rhinoplasty abuse or something. go away, you vile manchild!
am i the only one who had no clue that prince is a hardcore jehovah's witness? was the conversion before or after the assless pants?
the guardian allows the bonnie "prince" billy to go schizo on its arts section.
so. st. patty's day. in college this was SUCH a big deal, the best day of the year. now i just have to debate whether or not to wear something green (and if i don't, i feel like a scrooge, and if i do, i feel like a dork). maybe, just maybe, i can get into a bar after work (forget the irish pubs, there's no way they've got an inch of space available by 7), even though they'll all be so packed that i won't possibly be able to move. as a "responsible" working adult, days like today just make me feel lame. blah.
posted by jessica at 10:33 AM | Comments (8)
March 16, 2004
c'mon c'mon
what the eff is up with blogspot sites? so not functioning on my computer. is this just me?
posted by jessica at 05:51 PM | Comments (3)
pure comedy
not only was courtney love TWO HOURS LATE for her court hearing today, but she put on quite a little show in the courtroom.
"I have the pill bottles on me," she blurted.
At another point she said to her attorney, "You're fired."
"Miss Love, you're not doing yourself any favors," Superior Court Judge Elden Fox said.
"Rehired," Love said.
the preliminary hearing has been set for April 15 and promises to be equally entertaining. start preparing your punchlines now!
posted by jessica at 03:35 PM | Comments (1)
as confirmed by my therapist
i have borderline personality disorder. duh. so totally "girl, interrupted."
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
posted by jessica at 01:07 PM | Comments (0)
tv dinner
the times has a little sumthin-sumthin on century city, the new CBS legal drama that revolves around quasi-futuristic issues. nyt declares potential hotness for tonight's premiere, but the more level-headed folks in chicago say its no big whoop. set in hell-ay (for all the sane folks living elsewhere, century city is a westside LA business district where i'm working from right this very minute) in 2030 (ahhh, century city AND a city later in the century! the wit is astounding!), the show follows genetically-enhanced lawyers as they litigate their way through an LA of the future that includes effective public transportation--that latter detail should, by the way, inform you immediately that there is no way this could ever even a wee bit realistic vision of tomorrowland, as the times hints. while i'm constantly bemoaning the lack of creativity in television, this sounds just goofy enough to ensure that i'll stick to top model tonight (even if they've cut the orgy scene, dammit).
posted by jessica at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)
adventures in consumerism
this weekend, my best girlfriends from the D were in town. it seems that much of our quality time, those moments when we're inclined to bond over something other than SNL reruns, is spent in the mutual depletion of our paltry incomes. so it was that much of this weekend was spent shopping (color is the new black, apparently. so much pink and yellow i wanted to cry. where's my goddamned black?) at LA's various meccas of capitalism. inevitably, we ended up at the third street promenade for its proximity to my apartment and variety of chain stores. also because there's a man with a monkey there. and who doesn't want to shop in the presence of a monkey?
admittedly, i used to have quite a shopping problem. the problem was, i never seemed to buy anything i liked after 6 months or that i could wear to work. now that i'm older and wiser and indebted to several fine visas and mastercards, i'm a bit more choosy about how i spend my nonexistent money. this has meant avoiding stores like express, which inexplicably tempts me with sickeningly trendy and painfully overpriced professional wardrobing possibilities. this weekend, however, my girlfriends and i were sucked in by the giant sale sign looming out front: ALL SHIRTS $20 OFF. knowing that most shirts in the store are at least $40, we were intrigued.
and oh, how we rejoiced. together, cramming into a fitting room, trying on literally everything because they were such good deals. oh my, do we love deals.
after much discernment, faux modeling, and careful consideration, we went to the register with our final choices. i had a striped button-down, something i could wear to work (and am doing so right now), and the girls had some layered t-shirts. as the salesgirl tallied their items, they were shocked to discover that their totals were nearly twice the amount they were expecting. but wait, aren't all shirts $20 off?
"Those aren't shirts you have there," the register demon flatly said.
"What? They cover my breasts, my torso, my stomach--I'm pretty sure these are shirts!" protested em, visibly flustered.
"No, that's a shirt," says the demon, pointing to the button-down i'm holding.
"Then what are these?! Oh, obviously these must be pants!" retorts em, waving her t-shirts about wildly.
"No, they just aren't shirts. And only shirts are on sale."
"Ohhhh, okay, then they're definitely pants. I'll just put these pants back."
what happened here? since when were there specific definitions for "shirts?" and what, exactly, is the definition? is this a cruel corporate trick? such havoc and heartbreak wreaked by a misleading advertisement. you lost at least $20 that day, miss express--and i know that hurts you. wallow in the guilt.
posted by jessica at 10:32 AM | Comments (2)
March 15, 2004
radio days
fox 411 reports that howard stern may go to Sirius satellite radio, in an act of revolt against clear channel's paranoia. i've heard great things about both sirius and xm, but in a city where literally everyone has a car, i don't know a single person who has either system. while howard stern is will remain a commodity wherever he goes, i have to wonder if this is a wise idea.
posted by jessica at 11:01 AM | Comments (5)
passion schmassion, i want another lethal weapon.
hollywood is so predictable. after all the pre-release ballyhooing of the passion (didn't some say mel would never work in this town again?), the fiscal success of the jesus jawn has studio execs reconsidering the cash cow potential in secular flicks. can religion, however, become a form of sustainable entertainment? the passion may be more of a momentary phenomenon with moviegoers and not necessarily an indicator of the public's desire for faith-based entertainment. unless, of course, vivid video produces an interpretation of the story of sodom & gomorrah, which would definitely be worth checking out.
man, i miss my philandering clinton this year. and look how trim he is now! the ny daily news reports that billy is on the south beach diet. why do i find this so cute?
axl rose, how hath you betrayed us all? the guardian reports on how axl will continue to suck. this article made me totally long for a "the dirt"-style autobiography of the band. now it's all buckethead and chinese democracy. fitting that neither the album nor the political situation exist.
posted by jessica at 10:17 AM | Comments (1)
March 12, 2004
dude, where's my life?
holy effing schnikeys, you would not believe the brutal pounding i've been taking the past few weeks, and i don't mean that it in a sexy way. while i'm sure you don't come to this site to read my bitching and moaning, i feel compelled to clarify how ridunculously busy i've been. slammed against a filing cabinet at work. also, amidst my morning fetching rounds, i was forced to carry multiple coffees and the blasted cafe was out of cup-holder trays--naturally, this resulted in the spillage of hot coffee all over myself. did i mention how much i love being a peon?
the b.f.f. (that's "best friend forever" for all of you who weren't so fortunate as to own the awesome 80s necklaces) is in town for the weekend. last night we went to cobras and matadors which is the greatest little place for a big group. byob hotness and tapas all up in our shizz.
someday, i'll be able to go back to blogging about pop culture. in the meantime, i have to praise effing Peabs for his unabashed criticism of certain blogville trends that drive me insane. give em hell, peaby. and yeah, i know that by referencing peabs i just kind of did the sort of thing i hate, but hypocrites are hot right now.
posted by jessica at 10:22 AM | Comments (2)
March 11, 2004
no time for a real post, per se, but this should satisfy you crazy kids
john stamos just got very close to me and asked if i thought of "the littlest groom." i told him that i respected dwarfs so no, i am not the creator of the show. he said, "good, that show is terrible."
then he left rebecca and married me, because i love full house and the former uncle jesse is now uncle hottie.
posted by jessica at 12:30 PM | Comments (8)
March 10, 2004
playing music in your parking lot does not ensure a quality retail experience
i hate best buy. while it's great for reasonably priced electronics and the like, the music selection absolutely blows. and no, i don't normally go there for my CD shopping, but i had 10 minutes to kill before i had to be somewhere and the BB was right there, staring me down. so i went in. i had a multitude of albums in mind for possible purchase (lots o' catching up to do), but once i noted there were no joy division albums, it became glaringly obvious that the shopping experience was going to be slightly tougher. and my goodness. no basement jaxx. no british sea power. no division of laura lee. no air. no new pornographers. no azure ray. no X. dear god, mister best buy, what DO you have? perhaps my shopping list was a little specialized according to best buy standards, but really, it was all MTV2ish stuff. what a disheartening experience.
thank god megan came in handed me copies of olivia tremor control, pavement, and the unicorns today. free hotness kills best buy any day.
posted by jessica at 03:42 PM | Comments (9)
featherweight throwdown
katie couric! diane sawyer! tonight at the forum! toothy journos mudwrestle for control of the throne that barbara walters will leave behind: queen of soft lighting and celebrity interviews. while they're busy ripping out each others' glossy locks over who gets the exclusive bob saget interview, abc has hired martin bashir--no doubt to combat the destruction and havoc wreaked by pat o'brein's in-depth interviews for nbc.
an argument after r. kelly's heart: naked kiddie pics aren't always porn, yknow. there's, like, context to be considered. artistic expression or whatever.
how long is going to take the jackasses in charge to realize that the nielsen television rating system is totally fubared? i mean, have you ever known anyone in a "nielsen home?" execs are constantly claiming that the system is off, either because the numbers are too high or too low, yet they decide the fate of their programming based on the very numbers they claim to distrust. gawd. at least we have cable, which doesn't place as much god-fearing faith into the nielsens and takes the numbers with a grain of salt. despite (another) change in the ratings system, the sopranos set some sort of record on sunday night--or they think it did, but they can't be sure because, well, the system is turd-like. duh. meanwhile, mob experts analyze the show over at slate.
posted by jessica at 10:39 AM | Comments (1)
March 09, 2004
obviously
i'm a busy bee right now.
posted by jessica at 12:15 PM | Comments (2)
March 08, 2004
meet me at applebee's
the LA i reside in, the one far removed from the big box stores of the valley, is definitely lacking in chain restaurants. yes, we have your basic denny's and a chili's just popped up in westwood. we've got a p.f. chang's down the street. and i concede, technically speaking, it is nice to dine at independently-owned eateries. my suburban youth, however, longs for a strip mall full of theme restaurants, overflowing with outbacks and benningans. what of red lobster and joe's crab shack? where's my shitty olive garden and its "classy" uncle, the macaroni grill? how can i have gone this long without ruby tuesday's or tgi friday's?
while i'm pining away for crappy food and pieces of flair, i must note that all of the above websites are eerily similar.
posted by jessica at 02:32 PM | Comments (13)
do as i do
my weekend, since you didn't ask, was altogether fab. friday night i was exhausted and lame, but i had to get up early on saturday anyhow. my friend from SF came in town, saw our profit-hauling show, and then we gorged ourselves on empanandas at LaLa's. we shopped melrose (the cheap part) and i found my new favorite store, where everything is under $25 and not skankalicious--but i'm not revealing it. it's my secret. we went to the belmont on saturday night, which was slightly glossy, but the company was good and we were 2 minutes from canter's, where i had the best kreplach that i'll ever have at 3 am. yesterday was gorgeous so we went to the beach, and i'm a bit crispy. but looking like a tomato is under-the-radar hip, so i don't feel bad about my impending skin cancer. we walked to el cholo for dinner and i gained 40 lbs. right now i'm going insane being indoors, and it's going to be in the 80s all week. maybe LA isn't so heinous after all.
posted by jessica at 11:42 AM | Comments (0)
crunk and skeeting
i really don't know how they did it, but somehow the ny times managed to make an article involving both Lil' John and the porn industry tepid and bland. no small feat there. granted, i've been waiting with bated breath for some mainstream coverage of snoop dogg's 2001 adult-video hit, doggystyle, and by god, three years later, the times has picked up on it. this, however, only slightly vindicates martin edlund's borrrrring coverage of the burgeoning relationship between hip-hop and pornography. the hotness is minimal at best:
[Lil' John and the East Side Boyz] skipped the after-parties and rushed upstairs to their suite to film a graphic girl-on-girl sex scene for their new porn video, "Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz American Sex Series," which was released last month through adult video stores and the Internet. "It's not softcore porn," Lil Jon said by telephone from Atlanta. "It's some real XXX."
posted by jessica at 09:59 AM | Comments (3)
March 05, 2004
quickie post
celebrity relationships are HARD! ethan hawke says that working 6 hours a day is tough on a marriage. poor fucking baby.
the always-timely guardian explores the possibility that craig nichols of the vines really might be insane.
hey, remember a minute with stan hooper? me neither, but apparently it's off the air now and norm macdonald is hardly the cat's pajamas. but you already knew that last part.
posted by jessica at 11:55 AM | Comments (0)
to do: los angeles edition
confession: i'm more than just a charming alcoholic with a computer. no--really.
i'm also in a sketch comedy group of unrivaled talent called Employee of the Month. we write and perform our own material and i'm completely unbiased in saying that we're hilarious.
shameless, i know. but you know you want to see me and my brilliant cohorts. so come catch us before we're whisked away by SNL.
McCadden Theatre (santa monica and highland)
Saturday, March 6 at 2pm
$10
posted by jessica at 10:22 AM | Comments (3)
March 04, 2004
the wonders of modern science
i didn't really want anyone to know about this, but i guess the secret's out: i gave birth to my own grandchildren. hot, isn't it?
posted by jessica at 03:45 PM | Comments (0)
why would you want to read these things, anyhow? is it because you're as bored as the people writing them?
a few days ago, my boss discovered blogs.
yes, i know, it's hard to imagine that someone is unaware of the media outlet du jour, but it's true. some people, especially middle-aged women who don't care about things like computers or reading the opinionated journals of individuals whom they've never met, just aren't intrigued by the whole "blog thing."
my boss came into contact with the blogosphere while googling for info on the health benefits of cinnamon pills. she came across an herbal medicine and health blog and promptly called out, "what the hell is this?"
we explained; we used examples of gossipy blogs, literature blogs, and political blogs. we were quite illustrative and informative.
"why the hell would anyone want to read something stupid like that?" she replied.
posted by jessica at 12:15 PM | Comments (1)
your morning bone
time to put the skulls on your netflix queue! kerry and bush were both members of the insanely secret yale society, skull and bones, and conspiracy theorists are probably stroking themselves with the potential meaning of this one. lloyd grove, true to form, reports absolutely nothing on the matter and fails to shed any light on its implications.
something strikes me as inherently wrong in les moonves' latest reality pitch: "amish in the city" will follow a handful of amish teens as they face worldly temptations for the first time. whether or not this is insensitive shouldn't be a concern (since when was reality tv concerned with sensitivity?); i'd be far more concerned with the liability placed on the show's producers. can you imagine? butter is left unchurned for days while young, impressionable amish teens run to tijuana for the donkey show. the horror, oh the horror.
why are the 70s a pop-culture joke? i can't quite contribute to the discussion on this one (alas, i wasn't yet in existence), but i think it might have something to do with polyester and john travolta.
romulus and remus are so hot right now. eisner ain't gone yet, but he's been brought down a notch. while the diz chief is still CEO, george mitchell has been unanimously elected as chairman, thus splitting the evil empire power structure. somewhere, steve jobs is cackling.
posted by jessica at 10:24 AM | Comments (1)
March 03, 2004
thin mints are for liberal pinkos
you can always count on crazy in texas: residents of waco are boycotting the girl scouts. not only are girls being yanked out of their brownie troops, but some troops are cancelling their cookie sales. why, you ask, would anyone deprive themselves of tagalongs? because the girl scouts gave a "woman of distinction" award to a planned parenthood exec. god forbid!
"You're telling these girls to raise their fingers up to pledge to honor God and country, and yet you're handing out materials saying homosexuality is OK," said Brownie leader Donna Coody, who disbanded her five-member troop.
good for you, donna coody. maybe now that you've taken away their wholesome extracurricular activity, those girls will have plenty of time to develop smack habits and practice turning tricks.
posted by jessica at 03:52 PM | Comments (3)
fashion tips from hollywood
lately, i've noticed some stylistic themes amongst some borderline-b-listers in the 'hood. perhaps they're all too retarded to dress like it's a day after 1986, but i think there's a hot trend in the making:
evan handler: black tapered jeans, white reeboks
andy richter: maroon tapered jeans, white reeboks
john stamos: black tapered jeans, white reeboks
kevin nealon: acid-wash tapered jeans, white reeboks
watch out, wintour, you heard it here first.
posted by jessica at 10:23 AM | Comments (1)
morning quickies
i'm a terrible american. i didn't vote yesterday. actually, i guess that makes me "average." i wanted to vote, i intended to vote, but that was all thrown off track when i had to work until 7:45 pm (plus there was no way i could have made it to my polling place and back to work over lunch--vive LA!). not that it would have made much of a difference, seeing as kerry pretty much owns this thing. he's expected to announce the process by which he'll pick a running mate as early as today. i'm sure he'll pick some senator i've never heard of.
i've been keeping an unofficial tally of reasons not to see jersey girl, and i've just added a biggie: affleck sings.
more morrissey buzz: he'll be organizing the uk's meltdown festival. not that you'll be there, but still.
are the ipod's advertisements "mildly insulting?" maybe not at a glance, but slate's seth stevenson has an interesting analysis.
posted by jessica at 08:51 AM | Comments (3)
March 02, 2004
not-so-super tuesday
today is one of those days when my energy lies in some region worse than lethargic but not quite dead. whatever paltry life i have in me is currently getting sucked out at a steady rate in the name of work--you know the routine.
posted by jessica at 11:11 AM | Comments (0)
March 01, 2004
no word on whether he intends to blog about his prepubescent conquests
you know, it's about time michael jackson launched another website because, well, websites signify new beginnings. or michael says they do. and i believe everything michael says, especially if he says it on his new website, because this new site is a forum for michael to express himself with a full 30 second intro of images and highly-original mantras such as, "keep the faith," and "overcome." also, the site has a lot of great features, including case updates via email, which i know you all want, and a handy calendar (which, coincidentally, is empty for the entire month) so you can synch your palm to michael's life.
posted by jessica at 02:37 PM | Comments (1)
aramaic is the new ugly which is the new retarded
who knew that a violent crucifixion could be so profitable? the passion makes $117 million in a jim bakeresque sweep of america's religious wallets. i originally intended to check the film out for controversy's sake, but it seems so disturbingly graphic that i've been struck with stomach-turning disinterest. also playing a fair hand in my refusal to see the movie was mel gibson's recent diane sawyer interview, in which his eyes darted about so wildly that i wondered if he was bumping the "jesus rails."
paris hilton makes an ass of herself again, but this time she's uninvited and wearing clothes.
the guardian interviews gwen stefani and recalls ten years ago, when she was kind of "dorky." i don't remember her ever being dorky, but whatever. i actually saw her on the street once and was absolutely awestruck by how ridiculously gorgeous she was. despite past faux pas (remember the braces?), i've always had a strong girl-crush on her.
E attempts a "backstage blog" of the oscars--which was composed from a press truck on hollywood blvd, while watching the same damn telecast we all saw, and was already done. after their lifting of someone's legendary bill murray bust, i have to wonder if E! is planning an invasion of the blogosphere a la vh1.
posted by jessica at 12:00 PM | Comments (0)
a four-hour hollywood handjob.
my god, the oscars were particularly long and boring this year. what happened to my girl, charlize theron? her spray-on tan had gone very, very wrong, and she also had a decent overplucking on the eyebrows--perhaps to remind us of how scary she looked as aileen wuornos. also scary was the geniune ass-licking of john carrabino by renee zellweger. according to sandra bullock's frighteningly visible bones, rapid weight loss is hot again--but don't tell that to peter jackson, who wouldn't know how to use a belt if you put it on for him. and liv tyler, the glasses thing? was that a prop gag or something? yeah, so the oscars sucked. yawn.
way more exciting than last night's telecast: phillip seymour hoffman sat next to us at dinner at luna park on saturday night.
posted by jessica at 10:15 AM | Comments (3)
