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July 20, 2005

So, no bukkake stories. Got it.

I've done a handful of radio interviews, but yesterday I was contacted by a station that, coincidentally, happens to broadcast in the very market where I was raised and where my family still resides. I told my mother that I'd be on this station, to which she said, "Please try not to say anything that will embarrass your father or me. We have to live here, you know."

posted by jessica at 10:02 AM | Comments (0)

July 17, 2005

Hello!

As "the face of snark incarnate," I have a sense of moral obligation to address the issue of how and why what sorts of snarky items work. Specifically, I'd love to offer some pointers to P6 and the gang, who really wasted some primo space by failing to explicate their item on me. As such, a quick lesson, for the good of humanity, in Snark:

• Thesaurus.com is my top bookmark, and I suggest you make it the same on your browser. Then you needn't use words like "snarky" over and over again. Say I'm contemptous, irritable, cranky, cocky, insolent, sneering. Call me a dimwitted bitch, for all I care. Just don't use "snark" twice in the same item.

• If you're going to mention that I'm unknown outside of the "blogosphere" and also insult said circle, you might want to explain why you know who I am and are bothering to write about me. Be self-effacing and self-deprecating. For example, I'd edit as such: "Unknown outside the dork-infested waters of the Blogosphere [(which we, in only our loneliest hours, are admittedly familiar with)], her name is Jessica Coen..." See? That works, acknowledges why I'm in your column and still manages to poke at my ego.

• Your main point of contention should be easy for everyone to spot. Pick something universal: I am human typo machine; I'm functionally illiterate; I do very little original reporting. These are things to attack, as our shared readers will recognize these issues. Personal pet peeves will just fly over the audience's head, so steer clear of that stuff unless you're willing to divulge every relevant detail. Otherwise, you're spitting nonsensical venom. And venom, when it's nonsensical, leaves us with a nasty case of blueballs.

• Should you choose to go the personal route, be sure you have something concrete. A secret fetish for boot-stabbing and back-licking simply isn't juicy! Pick on something funny or at least interesting. Some suggestions:

- I wore an eyepatch in preschool because I had such terrible astigmatism in one eye.
- I've attended only public schools my entire life.
- I wore flannels and converse in the early 90s.
- I was a keg-standing sorostitute in college.
- I tend to get easily sick when riding in the backseat. I'm a puker.
- I had a skin-damaging tan while living in LA.
- I have several prescriptions, and I fill them at Rite Aid.

Those should be a helpful start.

That being said, this is the best badge of honor a trollop such as myself could ever ask for. I've already mounted it on my fridge, just above that apology note from Fred Durst.

posted by jessica at 12:30 PM | Comments (0)

July 15, 2005

blahblahsighblah

This is going to be one of those pointlessly annoying posts (as if there were any other kind?) in which I ruminate and wax philosophical on stuff of no interest to anyone other than my internal buddy, Monologue Jones, who's tired of hearing this crap in our head over and over again.

It was one year ago this weekend that I was driving into the city, getting text messages from the Roommate about how she was meeting some indie rock god at the Siren Festival right then, right as I was cruising through the middle of nowhere, scared out of my fucking mind of what was to come. This weekend, we're going to the Siren Festival together. Circle of life, or something, right? Wheee.

It's been a very tough, very wonderful year. I'm extremely lucky, I know that, but I got my ass kicked. Still getting my ass kicked, really. But it's been worth it, because I'm happy here (if not very impoverished and tired). I still miss LA, sometimes, and the people I left behind. I still have a hard time talking about those things. I still get teary if I think about it too much. And I still haven't gone back, not once, to visit. Maybe soon, though.

Oh my God, did you actually read all of that? Sucka.

posted by jessica at 08:51 AM | Comments (0)

July 11, 2005

Ahem.

Shortly after relaying an anecdote in which she mentions being out until 2 AM one night, Katie Couric addresses whether or not a woman can get pregnant while on her period.

And to think, we let this harlot into our homes every morning.

posted by jessica at 09:09 AM | Comments (0)

July 06, 2005

Observations after two hours of Tom Cruise.

Despite my declaration that I would boycott it as an objection to offensive PR stunts, last night I saw War of the Worlds. I am nothing if not weak and in want of popcorn and a/c.

So: The movie itself was exactly what you'd expect. Spielberg-stylized threats to humanity, lots of special effects, etc. I was actually entertained at some points, although in a completely-zoned-out sort of way that left me feeling really guilty.

Now, I'm the last girl to take a deeper meaning from a summer blockbuster, so don't misconstrue the following, which is just a piece of advice: Don't go see this one at Battery Park. No one wants to watch an apocalyptic attack movie, however stupid it may be, and then face Ground Zero immediately upon exiting the theater.

posted by jessica at 09:49 AM | Comments (0)